


#InHonorOfLexa: An Emotional Journey

by lexa_woods



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Character Study, Gen, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Meta
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-03
Updated: 2020-03-03
Packaged: 2021-02-23 05:41:59
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,127
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23006623
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lexa_woods/pseuds/lexa_woods
Summary: An article to commemorate Lexa, four years later.
Relationships: Clarke Griffin/Lexa
Comments: 10
Kudos: 50





	#InHonorOfLexa: An Emotional Journey

“But it’s just a show.”

“She’s a fictional character.”

“You know this is just TV, right?”

“God, she’s not even real, get over it!”

How many times have you guys heard that? How many times has that, or something similar, been said to you? A lot, right?

Yeah. Me too.

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard things like that in the last four years. The truth is, others just don’t get it, guys. They just don’t get it. 

People don’t get that some of us, _many_ of us, were so deeply impacted, so deeply affected, so deeply changed forever by Lexa’s character. Not just her death, but her mere existence. 

Lexa **_is_ **a character that has left an imprint on me like no other character has. 

I’m a person who loves television. I binge watch show after show on one of the many streaming services. I’ve loved TV since I was a kid and even tried to start a letter-writing campaign to save a show in elementary school. I took part in trying to save _Friday Night Lights_ when it was rudely canceled. 

But I had never truly loved any particular character. I watched _Buffy_ , and yes, I loved the character of Tara, so much so that I even journeyed to Toronto to meet Amber Benson. Over the years, I attended many conventions and met her many times. But, it wasn’t just **one** character or actor I was there for — I was there because of the entire show. 

Later, I discovered a show called _One Tree Hill_ and fell in love with the character of Peyton Sawyer. She was someone I could somewhat connect with, aside from the fact that she wasn’t gay. Then again, back then, did we ever really get proper LGBTQIA+ representation on the small screen? It was very rare and hard to find. 

Over the years, my love for Peyton faded. My love for TV, however, continued. 

Then, one of my friends told me about this show on The CW called _The 100_. I hadn’t watched it, but she was very confident I would love it. She even said she knew exactly who my favorite would end up being. This was around season 2. In fact, they were on their mid-season hiatus when I started watching it. 

I put on the pilot one night, thinking I could fall asleep to it. Boy, was I wrong. I was captivated by it. I didn’t get much sleep that night and devoured episode after episode, messaging my friend telling her how much I loved it and thanking her for introducing me to it. I did like the character she thought would be my favorite, which was Raven, but it wasn’t until Season 2, episode 6 that I was introduced to the character that would ultimately change my entire life. 

The moment Alycia Debnam-Carey appeared on my screen, I was captivated. I can’t even explain it. I didn’t care what was going on with Jaha or Kane, I just wanted more of this character that I just _knew_ had more going on. The fake limp, the sly looks, the way she was intently listening and especially the ominous way she delivered the line I still love to this day. 

“Then the Commander will use it to slit both of your throats.”

Little did we know, then, that she was, in fact, the Commander. And when the truth came out, it was a twist I hadn’t seen coming. 

I was mesmerized. I wanted to see more. I _needed_ to see more.

And they did not disappoint. 

We saw Lexa in her Commander attire and that iconic warpaint that would be forever associated with her. We watched as she explained to Clarke that love was weakness and then share her pain over losing someone special to her. That someone’s name was Costia. 

Lexa was a lesbian. 

I can’t even begin to explain what that meant to me. This character, that I was already so entranced with, was like me! It wasn’t just representation either. Lexa wasn’t just a lesbian, she was so much more than that. She _is_ so much more than that. 

Many of us watched, captivated, week to week, just to see the development of this character. A strong, female, **_lesbian_ ** character who was the leader of the remainder of people on Earth after a devastating nuclear event. She was the Commander of the Twelve, eventually Thirteen, Clans. She was a warrior, someone who’d trained her entire life to literally fight for her life to obtain this coveted spot. She had been chosen, as the Grounders belief states, by the Spirit of the former Commander. It’s how their leaders were chosen. 

We tuned in to see this intense bond growing between Lexa and Clarke. The push and pull, two strong leaders challenging each other. We watched as their love grew and Lexa’s walls slowly started coming down. We clung to the hope that she would finally give in to the vulnerability we could see so clearly reflected in those expressive green eyes. She didn’t have to say anything, we could see it all. 

Then came that kiss and it made us all believe that life truly was about more than just surviving. Clarke wasn’t ready though and we felt Lexa’s heart aching as she explained it. But we held on to the hope in her words. She said she wasn’t ready to be with anyone. 

**Yet.**

When Lexa betrayed Clarke, we still somehow understood it. At least, I did. She did exactly what she said to the girl she so obviously loved: she made her decision with her head and not her heart. 

While others were mad about the betrayal, I sympathized. Lexa made a decision Clarke, if she had been presented with the same offer herself, would have made too. They were more alike than Clarke wanted to admit. 

That betrayal, as we would learn through Madi when she took The Flame, was Lexa’s greatest regret. Something that nearly destroyed me to hear. Which was, I’m sure, exactly what was intended by the writers. Even in Season 6, Lexa affects so much. 

  
But, I digress. 

Season 3, Episode 2, we gasped with relief when we saw that it was Lexa who’d had Clarke kidnapped and brought to her. To keep her safe from the Ice Queen. Clarke, however, didn’t feel the same way. 

In Polis, we saw a different side of Lexa. We saw the way she was revered and loved, yet feared and respected. Our hearts swelled as we watched her with her Novitiates, teaching them what they would need should one of them become Heda, after her own death. Something none of us wanted to hear, or think, about. 

We were captivated with the moment when Wanheda, in a dress and warpaint, finally bowed to Lexa, herself in a dress and warpaint. A scene that the fandom dubbed the Gay Wedding. Hey, it sure seemed like a wedding, didn’t it? 

Then came the moment that gave us more feels than any moment in television history; Lexa bowed to Clarke and swore her fealty. The Commander bows to no one. 

Except for Clarke, apparently. 

We cheered when Lexa declared she needed no champion to fight for her. “Ai laik Heda. Non na throu daun gon ai.” I am the Commander. No one fights for me. 

The fight was intense and we held our breath, that fear starting to creep in, despite our best efforts to pretend it’s not there. No way, they won’t kill Lexa! She’s a huge fan favorite! She means too much to everyone! They’ve made us love her so much! They won’t kill her off. 

They won’t!

Will they?

That weight was lifted off our shoulders when Lexa regained control of her battle against Roan and was poised to be the victor when, instead of killing her opponent, she threw her spear into her true enemy’s heart.

Jus drein jus daun. 

I don’t know about anyone else, but I cheered when she did it. I cried. After years of patiently waiting, she got her revenge. Costia had finally been avenged.

Then came the soft moment, after the fight, when Lexa came to Clarke’s room to thank her. They were both in nightgowns and Clarke tenderly changed Lexa’s bandage on her hand. They shared **_a moment_**. We held our breath, waiting for them to give in to the love we could all see there. It had been growing since the moment they’d met. 

Instead, they parted, leaving us with another memorable moment. 

“Reshop, Heda.”

“Goodnight, Ambassador.”

We all felt it. We all wanted it. Clexa was real, we all knew it. We were just waiting on _them_ to give in. To accept the inevitable. 

The barricade was ordered, along with a kill order for any Skaikru caught on the wrong side of it, but Lexa still invited Clarke to stay as her guest. Despite Titus’s unhappiness, we all wanted Clarke to stay. But we all knew she wouldn’t. 

So did Lexa. 

So the goodbye came.

The “Maybe, someday…”

The Trikru handshake. 

Then, _finally_ , Clarke gave in to what had been building for so long and we all cheered. We cried. Our hearts were full and we felt that love Lexa had denied herself for so long. We felt that pain, that emotion, as Lexa let down all her defenses and was more vulnerable than we’d ever witnessed as she gave herself to Clarke. 

Our tears of joy continued as we watched that tender moment they shared. Lexa smiling and actually happy for the first time since we’d seen her arrive on our TV screens. 

Little did we know what was to come only seconds later. 

For the sake of this piece, I will talk about what came next, but it’s still very difficult for me. It still triggers me in a way nothing ever has. I’m sure I’m not alone in that, either. 

Lexa’s death. Lexa’s utterly senseless death. This character that they had built up, given so many deep, complex layers, made us fall in love with her and cheer for her, made us anxious to see what came next. 

She gave us **_hope_**.

Only to take it all away with a single stray bullet. 

We went from feeling so elated, so thrilled and happy and feeling all those feelings we felt when we watched Lexa and Clarke finally consummate their love to complete and utter devastation. 

We lost that hope. 

The way this death affected me can’t even be defined by words. Not really. I was just utterly inconsolable. Devastation consumed me. I won’t lie, guys, I literally fell to my knees on the floor, sobbing uncontrollably. I laid, in a fetal position, choking on my own sobs as I watched that horrible scene. 

Don’t get me wrong, it was beautifully performed. Alycia Debnam-Carey and Eliza Taylor acted their asses off and it was perfect and beautiful and you could feel that love and devastation, that desperation and resignation as Lexa slipped away from Clarke. 

From **_us._ **

I missed three days of work after Lexa died. I laid in bed crying. I didn’t want to move. I felt so depressed. I felt so broken and empty. That’s the only way I can describe what I felt over this loss. 

I read every article there was to read. The outrage was real. The backlash was utterly insane. The vitriol over this was _everywhere_. No matter where I looked, I saw it. People were angry, hurt, sad, lost, devastated. 

People felt like **me**.

I wasn’t alone. 

Others felt like I did. Others were affected by this. Others out there loved Lexa as much as I did. In a lot of ways, that validated me. It made me feel a little better. 

I have never felt something like this over a fictional character. Maybe she’s not real, maybe she _is_ just a character on TV. Maybe I shouldn’t be grieving so hard, still, four years later, over someone who never truly existed. 

But she did exist. She _still_ exists. 

Every year, on this day, we all get together to share our love. To _remember_. To keep Lexa’s Legacy alive. March 3rd isn’t just a day, it’s our Unity Day. We’re still here. We still remember. We still share in our grief and celebrate the life of a character we all loved so much and found so much of ourselves in. A character we could, as Lexa once said, pour our hopes and dreams into. Maybe we wouldn’t go die for her, but we will never forget her. And together, we will keep her legacy alive. 

Like Clarke once said, “Lexa was special.” And she’s right. Lexa was special.

Lexa **is** special. 


End file.
